The battle continues with full vigour in the sublimes of my conscience. It is not actually a battle, neither is it a dilemna of any kind. But it haunts me every single moment - when at work, when watching TV, when cooking, when reading a book or even when I am home and spending time with my baby. It is a full on confrontation with myself - what should I do? Should I be a stay at home mom or take up a part time position or continue with the way it is now? My heart breaks and I suffer death many times over every day when I kiss good-bye to my baby in the morning. It hurts to even think that somebody else actually gets paid to play with him, fondle him and kiss him and I get only a precious few hours with my sweetie pie. My mind hurls back at me: these beautiful moments should be yours. But I am letting them go and for what? Money, career, what is it? Do any of these even matter when it comes to being with my precious?
At this point, my rational mind interrupts: May be true that the need of the hour is to be with your kid but what happens when he starts school or much later when he gets independent? How long can you hold on to him? What would you do then? How hard or easy would it be to find a job to your liking at that point? Or worse, what if I lose the drive or focus to get a job? I would rot! I am not one of those proactive people who end up doing something useful with their free time, I know that and those would not be happy times neither for myself nor for those around me.
My mind is torn on these lines. I am not sure what is the right thing to do anymore. But I have to decide one way or the other and fast or sanity will soon become ancient history.
4 comments:
I ask this question myself every moment of my life. I decided I want to be a stay at home mom and I was for 11 months. That life was not for me - I did read, knit and write, but there is nothing like the adrenaline rush a deadline gives you. I am a working mother now and I won't call myself the happiest soul on earth. I am just not ready to leave my kid with a maid. I am working because my mom is with me. I am not working for money (no denying that it helps to have a double income) or career, but to keep myself sane.
I am in a constant dilemma - am I depriving my son of the maternal love and care he should get? A maid can feed, bathe and care for my kid, she will never teach him values, what we call 'valan' in Marathi. Leaving him at a daycare will be the last thing I would do.
My mom will leave in a couple of months and I have to decide what I would do after that. Just yesterday, we were at Sameer's house and your dad asked me what I would do when my mom goes away. I very confidently said I will quit. To be honest, I am not sure I _want_ do that.
I have been discussing this with many working mothers at my workplace and with other relatives too - Maya Mami, Seema Mami etc.. One thing I have realized - no matter what advice and suggestions you get, it ultimately comes down to you - what do you want to do?
PS: Sorry for the long rant!
even with the excellent support-system we have here, this thought does cross our minds. Have seen so many cousins and friends choose diff paths - some quit, some take a break and some continue to work. All are happy in their own ways. So do what you really want to do akka and am sure everyone will support you in that!
Just saw this post! One advice that I will give out of my personal experience is to see how you feel during weekends when you are managing your child on your own. If you wait for Monday morning (I do), then perhaps you may find it overwhelming to manage Naman all the time. The other option is to maybe try working from home 1-2 days a week and see if that helps reducing the guilt of being away.
O my CHILD...all these phases are temporary ...don't get disheartened...Life itself is challenge as well as a great fun...All the best for your challenging motherhood and great career..
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