Kya kare kya na kare

The battle continues with full vigour in the sublimes of my conscience. It is not actually a battle, neither is it a dilemna of any kind. But it haunts me every single moment - when at work, when watching TV, when cooking, when reading a book or even when I am home and spending time with my baby. It is a full on confrontation with myself - what should I do? Should I be a stay at home mom or take up a part time position or continue with the way it is now? My heart breaks and I suffer death many times over every day when I kiss good-bye to my baby in the morning. It hurts to even think that somebody else actually gets paid to play with him, fondle him and kiss him and I get only a precious few hours with my sweetie pie. My mind hurls back at me: these beautiful moments should be yours. But I am letting them go and for what? Money, career, what is it? Do any of these even matter when it comes to being with my precious?

At this point, my rational mind interrupts: May be true that the need of the hour is to be with your kid but what happens when he starts school or much later when he gets independent? How long can you hold on to him? What would you do then? How hard or easy would it be to find a job to your liking at that point? Or worse, what if I lose the drive or focus to get a job? I would rot! I am not one of those proactive people who end up doing something useful with their free time, I know that and those would not be happy times neither for myself nor for those around me.

My mind is torn on these lines. I am not sure what is the right thing to do anymore. But I have to decide one way or the other and fast or sanity will soon become ancient history.

You said it!

It's been hardly a month since we are back from a month long vacation and I am raring to go on another one. With our 5th wedding anniversary around the corner, we do have a reason to plan for one, albeit a short one! Well, I popped the question to hubby last night (not for the first time). Where do we go? Poor, sleep-deprived dad said thus in a matter of fact manner: Let's take a day off, book a room some place and sleep in the whole day. Hmmm, dunno can't think of a better plan!