Hawa-Hawaii

Have you ever had that inexplicable, queasy, uncomfortable feeling in your gut? I bet most of us have felt that way one point or another. It feels like your insides are knotted and being twisted every which way. Don't know why, but it happens to me whenever a loved one is traveling on their own. Used to happen when I was young and dad had to go out of town for work. Now, it happens whenever hubby dear is scheduled to fly out of town for work. As a matter of fact, when I meet couples who have traveling jobs, my mind does a hats off and compliments these brave souls.

Well, but it has never happened to me before when I am going out with the family. As it happens, we are all set for a Hawaii vacation starting this Wednesday. Am super duper excited about this, no doubt. But somewhere deep inside, I sense the same unsettling, guttural feeling storming up. I have been prodding myself to come up with a reason for this. I believe that my paranoia in general has increased since being a mom (of course every new thing in my life these days is tied to this fact). Its just that, now, we are responsible for another person who has no clue where or why. All he knows is to trust his parents and follow them with no questions. As long as we are with him, nothing else matters (or so I would like to think). This blinding faith in us is what kills me. It hit me that by venturing out on a vacation of this sort, aren't we risking what we have now? So many what-ifs flooding my mind. So many uncertainties. They are wreaking a havoc in my mind. I don't want all these morbid feelings and want to get back to being excited.

I guess I have to be comforted with what hubby dear usually says before one of his official outings - "If somebody's time is up, it is so. You can't do a single thing to stop it. It can happen when you are driving or even when crossing a road". As simple as that but true enough. Destiny - one word sums it all up. Well, if its any consolation, at least this time we will all be together.
So, note to self: Silly mind, cheer up and please don't ruin this for me.

Culture

I have been meaning to share my thoughts about religion, culture and such. Then, I stumbled on this beautiful post I came across on culture and its nuances. Couldn't have expressed it better myself. The stories cited here bring out the essence of this word beautifully.
I think this word is used loosely and out of context many a time. Culture is such a multi-layered and composite concept, you cannot tie it down to any single attribute like religion, geography, ethnicity. It encompasses all these and yet retains the core essentials/features of a society. Just like how it is not uncommon for a Christian in India to celebrate Diwali. Just like how turkey is a symbol of Thanksgiving for people of any ethnicity, religion living in the US.

I like to think of it as the state-machine of a society, or a neural network of the collective brain of the people making it. Something which evolves over time, reacts to the current conditions (inputs - food, religion, language, climate) by way of imbibing some of them and transitioning to a different state. In this process, the external agents themselves undergo transformation making this input-feedback cycle go on. But these changes take time, should take time. A stable society is one where these transitions happen over reasonably long time and once a new state is attained, the likelihood of transitioning to a previous state is minimal.
Can this state machine ever reset? Well, technically it could. It could unlearn all its transformations and become a closed network. This is tantamount to amnesia of the society. An example that comes to my mind is - when fundamentalists get to the helm of affairs driving the society to such a state where heretofore (learned) values are no more relevant. When such transitions happen often, it results in an unstable network/unstable society.

Say a little prayer

Been reading the depressing news coming in from Somalia. My heart goes out to these children and the mothers. Feel so helpless sitting here. Wish there was some way to help these unfortunate people.
In a way, maybe it is good that these children are left to die rather than live a suffering life of deprivation and disease. Hope and pray that things get better for these people very soon.

PS: Turns out there is some way we can help these victims. Please make your donations here

Follow up

Thanks to you wonderful ladies and co-mommies (to-be)for your insightful comments and suggestions and sorry that I have not been able to reply to them. Figured that a collective reply in the form a follow up post would make more sense and here it is.

Just this last week, hubby had to be out of town for 3 nights. So I was on my own with Naman from 5 to 9 those nights. I did enjoy being with him the whole time. But extending that time to 24*7, hmmm, maybe not that fun. He needs a break from me and I need a break to be "myself". I see that he is perfectly fine to be away from us during the day, in fact he is super thrilled to say hi to nanny in the morning. At the same time, he gets restless and fidgety if his Pappa is even a few minutes late in the evening. Apparently, he has clear expectations and has his daytime schedule sorted out.
Frankly, I do not have the heart to quit my job, not at this point. As Gita pointed, I would miss the excitement and adrenaline rush of meeting deadlines. I would miss socializing on a day-to-day basis. More than anything else, I realize that I do not have the temperament to be a Stay-at-home-mom. Just loving your kid is not enough for this job. I lack enough patience, self-discipline for taking up this. So for now, life goes on as is.

But Ma, come soon!!

Kya kare kya na kare

The battle continues with full vigour in the sublimes of my conscience. It is not actually a battle, neither is it a dilemna of any kind. But it haunts me every single moment - when at work, when watching TV, when cooking, when reading a book or even when I am home and spending time with my baby. It is a full on confrontation with myself - what should I do? Should I be a stay at home mom or take up a part time position or continue with the way it is now? My heart breaks and I suffer death many times over every day when I kiss good-bye to my baby in the morning. It hurts to even think that somebody else actually gets paid to play with him, fondle him and kiss him and I get only a precious few hours with my sweetie pie. My mind hurls back at me: these beautiful moments should be yours. But I am letting them go and for what? Money, career, what is it? Do any of these even matter when it comes to being with my precious?

At this point, my rational mind interrupts: May be true that the need of the hour is to be with your kid but what happens when he starts school or much later when he gets independent? How long can you hold on to him? What would you do then? How hard or easy would it be to find a job to your liking at that point? Or worse, what if I lose the drive or focus to get a job? I would rot! I am not one of those proactive people who end up doing something useful with their free time, I know that and those would not be happy times neither for myself nor for those around me.

My mind is torn on these lines. I am not sure what is the right thing to do anymore. But I have to decide one way or the other and fast or sanity will soon become ancient history.

You said it!

It's been hardly a month since we are back from a month long vacation and I am raring to go on another one. With our 5th wedding anniversary around the corner, we do have a reason to plan for one, albeit a short one! Well, I popped the question to hubby last night (not for the first time). Where do we go? Poor, sleep-deprived dad said thus in a matter of fact manner: Let's take a day off, book a room some place and sleep in the whole day. Hmmm, dunno can't think of a better plan!