confessions of a confused mind

Hawa-Hawaii

2011-10-21T11:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had that inexplicable, queasy, uncomfortable feeling in your gut? I bet most of us have felt that way one point or another. It feels like your insides are knotted and being twisted every which way. Don't know why, but it happens to me whenever a loved one is traveling on their own. Used to happen when I was young and dad had to go out of town for work. Now, it happens whenever hubby dear is scheduled to fly out of town for work. As a matter of fact, when I meet couples who have traveling jobs, my mind does a hats off and compliments these brave souls.

Well, but it has never happened to me before when I am going out with the family. As it happens, we are all set for a Hawaii vacation starting this Wednesday. Am super duper excited about this, no doubt. But somewhere deep inside, I sense the same unsettling, guttural feeling storming up. I have been prodding myself to come up with a reason for this. I believe that my paranoia in general has increased since being a mom (of course every new thing in my life these days is tied to this fact). Its just that, now, we are responsible for another person who has no clue where or why. All he knows is to trust his parents and follow them with no questions. As long as we are with him, nothing else matters (or so I would like to think). This blinding faith in us is what kills me. It hit me that by venturing out on a vacation of this sort, aren't we risking what we have now? So many what-ifs flooding my mind. So many uncertainties. They are wreaking a havoc in my mind. I don't want all these morbid feelings and want to get back to being excited.

I guess I have to be comforted with what hubby dear usually says before one of his official outings - "If somebody's time is up, it is so. You can't do a single thing to stop it. It can happen when you are driving or even when crossing a road". As simple as that but true enough. Destiny - one word sums it all up. Well, if its any consolation, at least this time we will all be together.
So, note to self: Silly mind, cheer up and please don't ruin this for me.

Culture

2011-07-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to share my thoughts about religion, culture and such. Then, I stumbled on this beautiful post I came across on culture and its nuances. Couldn't have expressed it better myself. The stories cited here bring out the essence of this word beautifully.
I think this word is used loosely and out of context many a time. Culture is such a multi-layered and composite concept, you cannot tie it down to any single attribute like religion, geography, ethnicity. It encompasses all these and yet retains the core essentials/features of a society. Just like how it is not uncommon for a Christian in India to celebrate Diwali. Just like how turkey is a symbol of Thanksgiving for people of any ethnicity, religion living in the US.

I like to think of it as the state-machine of a society, or a neural network of the collective brain of the people making it. Something which evolves over time, reacts to the current conditions (inputs - food, religion, language, climate) by way of imbibing some of them and transitioning to a different state. In this process, the external agents themselves undergo transformation making this input-feedback cycle go on. But these changes take time, should take time. A stable society is one where these transitions happen over reasonably long time and once a new state is attained, the likelihood of transitioning to a previous state is minimal.
Can this state machine ever reset? Well, technically it could. It could unlearn all its transformations and become a closed network. This is tantamount to amnesia of the society. An example that comes to my mind is - when fundamentalists get to the helm of affairs driving the society to such a state where heretofore (learned) values are no more relevant. When such transitions happen often, it results in an unstable network/unstable society.

Say a little prayer

2011-07-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

Been reading the depressing news coming in from Somalia. My heart goes out to these children and the mothers. Feel so helpless sitting here. Wish there was some way to help these unfortunate people.
In a way, maybe it is good that these children are left to die rather than live a suffering life of deprivation and disease. Hope and pray that things get better for these people very soon.

PS: Turns out there is some way we can help these victims. Please make your donations here

Follow up

2011-02-11T16:05:00.000-08:00

Thanks to you wonderful ladies and co-mommies (to-be)for your insightful comments and suggestions and sorry that I have not been able to reply to them. Figured that a collective reply in the form a follow up post would make more sense and here it is.

Just this last week, hubby had to be out of town for 3 nights. So I was on my own with Naman from 5 to 9 those nights. I did enjoy being with him the whole time. But extending that time to 24*7, hmmm, maybe not that fun. He needs a break from me and I need a break to be "myself". I see that he is perfectly fine to be away from us during the day, in fact he is super thrilled to say hi to nanny in the morning. At the same time, he gets restless and fidgety if his Pappa is even a few minutes late in the evening. Apparently, he has clear expectations and has his daytime schedule sorted out.
Frankly, I do not have the heart to quit my job, not at this point. As Gita pointed, I would miss the excitement and adrenaline rush of meeting deadlines. I would miss socializing on a day-to-day basis. More than anything else, I realize that I do not have the temperament to be a Stay-at-home-mom. Just loving your kid is not enough for this job. I lack enough patience, self-discipline for taking up this. So for now, life goes on as is.

But Ma, come soon!!

Kya kare kya na kare

2011-01-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

The battle continues with full vigour in the sublimes of my conscience. It is not actually a battle, neither is it a dilemna of any kind. But it haunts me every single moment - when at work, when watching TV, when cooking, when reading a book or even when I am home and spending time with my baby. It is a full on confrontation with myself - what should I do? Should I be a stay at home mom or take up a part time position or continue with the way it is now? My heart breaks and I suffer death many times over every day when I kiss good-bye to my baby in the morning. It hurts to even think that somebody else actually gets paid to play with him, fondle him and kiss him and I get only a precious few hours with my sweetie pie. My mind hurls back at me: these beautiful moments should be yours. But I am letting them go and for what? Money, career, what is it? Do any of these even matter when it comes to being with my precious?

At this point, my rational mind interrupts: May be true that the need of the hour is to be with your kid but what happens when he starts school or much later when he gets independent? How long can you hold on to him? What would you do then? How hard or easy would it be to find a job to your liking at that point? Or worse, what if I lose the drive or focus to get a job? I would rot! I am not one of those proactive people who end up doing something useful with their free time, I know that and those would not be happy times neither for myself nor for those around me.

My mind is torn on these lines. I am not sure what is the right thing to do anymore. But I have to decide one way or the other and fast or sanity will soon become ancient history.

You said it!

2011-01-19T12:13:00.000-08:00

It's been hardly a month since we are back from a month long vacation and I am raring to go on another one. With our 5th wedding anniversary around the corner, we do have a reason to plan for one, albeit a short one! Well, I popped the question to hubby last night (not for the first time). Where do we go? Poor, sleep-deprived dad said thus in a matter of fact manner: Let's take a day off, book a room some place and sleep in the whole day. Hmmm, dunno can't think of a better plan!

I said NO to my baby

2010-11-06T23:23:00.000-07:00

When he picked up a brown-blue polka dot pajama today. I told him that was a girly dress and that he can pick up something else he likes but he was not even interested in looking at any other. Maybe he loved the pattern! Anyhow, remembered this when I came across this blog: http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/comment-page-312/#comment-20011 . Feeling guilty about having said no earlier.

As promised, here is the link to Halloween pics and few other shots. Enjoy!
http://picasaweb.google.com/namanms09/1012Months#

Wish you all a very happy Diwali (belated). Hope you had a blast!

Zindagi rocks!!

2010-11-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

Don't worry. No similarities with the Sushmita Sen tear-jerker here!! That one had an extra g I think, I am not sure now. Anyways just used that for want of a better title, that's all.

Things have changed quite a bit since my last post.Oh yes, they have. For starters, we are now independent parents!! What I mean by that is - after almost a year of having help around - first my parents, next my in-laws, each for about 5.5 months, we are back to being on our own. Not entirely on our own of course.

- We now have a nanny to look after Naman during the day. She is a 50 odd year old chatty, inherently lazy, Gujarati aunty, one who is ever so ready with tips, advice, news of some kind (weather forecast for the day/week, 10% sale in this store on this item etc kind of news). Of course you cannot expect the same kind of commitment from her as you expect from grand-parents but she does her job reasonably well.

The first few days after my in-laws left were traumatic for everyone at home. Naman was at his clingy, fussy best (or worst). Can't blame the little guy though. He was missing his grand-parents a lot during the day. We resorted to working from home alternate days and on those days, we had to play hide and seek with him to get any work done. It was not fun at all, trust me. It took a while for him (and us) to warm up to auntyji and normalcy to be restored in our lives. Glad to say that we are now a fully functioning unit. One that is heavily routine-based. Our week-day routine looks something like this:
wake up in the morning when Naman wakes up - anywhere between 6:30-7:15. He has his coconut oil massage right after he wakes up. Then it is playtime/book time with dad while mom hurries through making tea, washing Naman's bottles, preparing Naman's breakfast and lunch, our lunch boxes and Naman's milk bottles for the day. This usually takes about 30-45 minutes.
8:00: Breakfast time for Naman. A job in itself. Starts with his dad feeding him, sometime later I take over while hubby has his breakfast and gets ready for the day.
8:20: nanny arrives for the day. 10-15 minutes of chit-chat later, I am forced to remind her the reason why she is here. Then she takes over.
8:45-9:Hubby is ready to leave for the day.
Another 10-15 minutes of cleaning up/finishing touches and I am off to get ready and off to work by 9:30.
Rest of the day Naman is care of Auntyji. I get to watch and hear them through out the day thanks to the nanny cameras (web-cam) we have installed in each of our rooms. Crazy?? Not so much, given that my peace of mind when at work totally, absolutely depends on this.
4:45 pm - Hubby is back from work and Auntyji takes off. Usually, Naman wakes up from his afternoon nap around 5. Hubby then feeds him some snacks. Then they get ready for a walk(weather Gods have been merciful so far) and meet me in the park on my way back from work.We are back home by 6:15. Dad - son play time again. Mom in the kitchen cooking dinner/washing. Hubby's constant complaint is that I don't spend enough time with Naman. He offers to cook/clean while I play with him but I prefer this way. Well, in my defense, I do try to cook in such a way that I don't have to spend more than an hour in the kitchen everyday.
7:30: Family is at the dinner-table.
By 8:15 we are all done. General goofing around till 8:40 or so and then it is Naman's bath time.
By 9:15 Naman says good-night and I am done putting him to sleep by 9:45 or so.

Then its back to office work for about 2 hours with TV running in the background. Our little guy still wakes up once every 2-3 hours in the night. So, we have divided the night into shifts now. Till 2 or 3 am, it is hubby's turn, mine after that. Between us, we manage to get around 5 hours of sleep on an average.

Early on in the parenting game, we realised that maintaining a schedule is one of the key things for ourselves and the baby. Babies thrive on schedules. When they are very young, that is one of the ways they learn to understand time of the day. That and sunlight of course. And of course, schedules go a long way in preserving our sanity as well. Naman now understands the concept of day and night. He knows now that day time he will have Aunty for company and night time it is his pappa and mamma. If one of the week-days, we work from home, he refuses to go to Aunty. His concept of time is screwed up then. We are trying to make him understand weekday/weekend concept. But I don't think he is quite there yet. It is amazing how they learn associations. Well honestly, it is incredibly fun and satisfying to see him grow up. The things we adults take for granted, the most trivial of things - walking, talking, he looks up to us for all these and we are his heroes because we can do all these awesome stuff. However crazy/busy our life has become, however tired we feel at the end of the day, hearing him babble and laugh makes every strain of stress vanish. I know that I am sounding very very corny right now but there are no other words to express what his smile can do to us. It is life-giving.

On another front, I am now back in the weight game - after almost 18 months. Not fun at all :( I am left with around 10 pounds of extra baggage over my pre-pregnancy weight. I am now in a weird size limbo. Maternity clothes are way too loose and pre-pregnancy clothes don't fit. I have not shopped in a while because of this. I had a very healthy pregnancy and was happy that I had my weight in control, totally not giving in to any cravings and binging. Well, I was mentally prepared, you see. But come post-partum period, boy, I was raging-mad hungry all the time - hunger pangs like I never known before, literally 24X7. I was totally unprepared for this hunger storm and was thrown off by it. In my curiosity to find out if my hunger-pangs were abnormal, I learnt that new moms who are nursing actually feel 2x more hungrier than during pregnancy time. And so binge, I did! To my pleasant surprise, I found that I was actually losing a healthy amount of weight even with all the binging, thanks to all the fat being devoured by my little champ. Eat away my baby :) Oh how happy that made me! But alas, after 10 months of post-partum guilt-free binging, I am now back to watching my diet and what not. That sucks! And to top it all, I have developed a major sweet-tooth (pregnancy side-effect) which I find the hardest to control :( Well, as with pretty much everything else, self-discipline is the key and I am confident I will reach my target before the end of the year. Amen!

I think I have rambled on and on. Enough for one post I think, though I do have lots of thoughts and updates to pen.
Oh, by the way, hope you all had a fun-filled Halloween weekend. We had lots of fun. Keep tuned in for some pics of a certain tiger-cub :D

Bye for now!

What would you do?

2010-10-29T15:45:00.002-07:00

This happens quite a lot with me. The other day, 2 colleagues (quite senior to me) of mine were discussing a configuration problem at work. They were in the cubicle adjoining to mine and I could hear them quite clearly. It so happened that I had previously worked on a similar issue with successful results. What you have done in this situation? Butt in their conversation and tell them - "Hey guys, you know what I have done this before, allow me to show you how" or would you keep to yourself and think"Oh! that is not a big deal, they will figure it out in no time"? Call me timid or shy or whatever but I just could not get myself to do the former. Well, I have done something on those lines before - but when only the matter of concern is something in which I have a reasonable amount of knowledge and / or expertise not something I have done in passing. Would it have mattered if they were not seniors but my peers? I think so, yes. But that's just me.

A duh! moment

2010-08-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

Post dinner, Naman usually slouches on his Grandpa's lap reading books and listening to stories. Last night, the story was - "who will bell the cat":

Once upon a time, there was a cat. It was a menace to the mice living around.......the mice decided to bell the cat......they had to find a wire, so they got it from the net (at this point my mind went - whoa!! net, really? Let me see how he explains this one... ) they had stolen - you know the one which the hunter uses? (Ah! that "net" and I go back to eating my food)........but now they had a bigger problem - who will bell the cat?......Many a times, things are easier said than done.

Story time complete, time to play with amma and pappa now! :)

A letter to my son

2010-08-18T17:28:00.001-07:00

My dearest Naman,

Some of these are promises, some advice, but actually, these are just a few thoughts I want to share with you as a mom who is super excited about seeing you grow up into a self-respecting, happy and healthy individual.

- I will never ever raise my hands on you. This is a promise. I loathe with all my heart, those that strike another human being. This detestable action is nothing but the mark of shortcomings of the person inflicting it. There is nothing that a kind word of advice will not do that a slap on your face will accomplish. I firmly believe this. I refuse to believe that beating/hitting is a part of discipline. It is physical abuse, period. If anything, it gives rise to fear. And I want you to grow up to be a young man unbridled with fear of any kind, least of all, fear of your mom. I would want you to take a course of action knowing that you are doing the right thing rather than with the fear of what I, your dad or anybody else would say.

- Respect: Now here is another word which is grossly misunderstood in our Indian culture. In my opinion, respect and love are inseparable emotions. And more importantly, it is ALWAYS 2 sided. Asking questions, answering back, disagreeing with another's (whatever their age may be) point of view - none of these are tantamount to showing disrespect.

- I will strive to never answer any of your questions with - "Because I said so". Logic and reasoning should win the day. Oh! arguments - I believe we will have our share of them. There will be difference in how we see things, more often than not. I will try my best to explain my point of view, listen to yours and promise to correct mine if yours is more reasonable/practical and I would expect the same from you! I can see that this is not always going to be easy - especially for me - but I will give it my best shot.

- I want to be your best friend and confidant.I would want you to think of me whenever you feel the need to share something with somebody. Be it a problem at school/work or a crush or a heart-break - anything at all, you come to me without hesitation and with no fear of being rebuked or reprimanded. That's what I wish our relation to be - best friends.

With lots of love,
Amma.

Bachpan ke din bhi kya din the

2010-05-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

Albert Einstein once said "Imagination is more important than knowledge". I don't know about that but it certainly is way more fun. Do you remember the times when your imagination worked over-time giving shape to some kick-ass ideas and concepts? I have a good laugh even now when I look back on the silly ideas of those times.

1. Back in those days when biology and anatomy were still alien words to me, I had formulated a theory on how we grow tall -Here goes: The food we eat travels downwards in our body (of course gravity did not have to do anything with this!). When we have consumed enough and there is no more space, the pressure on our feet enables our body to expand magically as if somebody was pulling us from both ends. Imagine how tall we would have all been!

2. Back in those times when the shape of the world (not earth) was not even a question, my brother and I would "line up" all the countries we knew (thanks to our cricket loving dad). So in our world, Zimbabwe was the "last" country and Australia was the "first" and so on.

3. I discovered this not very long ago. We used to shout "timple" ("ti" as in tie and "mple" as in temple) when we played chase and catch games (joot ata, lock and key etc). This was typically used when somebody needed a break from running. Had no idea what this meant and did not care at that time. Turned out to be an abbreviation for "time please" - time pl.

4. Remember mugging the tables in those kg classes? When the whole class used to chant in one single breath - "one one za one, one two za two....two ten za twenty"...? The "za" like sound there was of no concern to me and in my mind, I associated it with the "=" sign because of the way we write this: 2 x 10 = 20. Learnt later that what we were actually trying to say was "two ones are two... two tens are twenty".

5. ICE PICE - This is another classic. We used to play hide and seek. Folks called it ice-pice and so did I. In reality, it stands for eye-spies :)

I can remember only these many for now, but I am sure there are many more hidden in the crevices of my mind. It was a fun exercise never the less. I like to think that I am not the only one with these many misunderstandings to account for. I tag all the readers of this post to list 5 or more such misconceptions, silliness etc etc you may have had as a kid or even as a grown-up. Unleash your "bachpanapan" and let's have some good laugh!

Cheers!

Bitter truth

2010-05-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

All this time, I had faith. Not in the corrupt system but in basic human sense of ethics and morality. I have heard folks complain about trust issues - oh, in India getting this done would take ages, oh, in India you cant dream of doing this without getting duped or bribing or facing zillions of obstacles at every step - but pooh poohed such claims all along, branding the owners of such sentiments as firangi-lovers, paranoids and what not. What was I thinking? What did I base my confidence on? True, I am an Indian, have lived in India for the better part of my life. But am I qualified to comment on or repudiate such claims? Do I have experience in dealing with the "system" out there? The answer is a BIG NO! I will not go into the painful details but I will say this - for the past one month, we have been facing one nightmarish issue after another regarding an investment in Bangalore, right at the last minute. I feel so let down, I have no words for it. I hope I have not misled anyone based on my misplaced confidence.

On a related note, this experience makes me re-consider my whole "we will go back to India" stand. I can mentally prepare for the bad traffic conditions, power-cuts, water problems et al, prior experience prepares you for these things. What scares me is the thought that we would need to start worrying about things we take for granted here - like times when I need gas connection, telephone connection, have electricity issues and other basic necessities. I am not used to fighting with the system for such mundane needs. I am spoiled by how smooth and seamlessly such things get done here, in this part of the world. I have always maintained that there are pros and cons of living in either San Jose or Bangalore, Its just that right now, to my mind, the cons of living in Bangalore seem to outweigh any other parameter big time.

A nostalgic friday

2010-05-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

I was at work, trying to get my work done as early as possible and I see this e-mail in my inbox. It was about a picassa album link for VVSHS (my high school) alumni meet photos. Oh good, I can see them later at home, I thought. But no, curiosity got the better of me and I had to see the photos right then. Curiosity about what, you ask? To get a glimpse of my teachers of course. Surely, I did get to see all of my teachers and I have to say this - how well they have aged!! I don't know why but going through those photos made my heart beat faster. Even after all these years - seems like a lifetime now, it is amazing how they have the same impact on you. Seeing them there, blissfully sitting among the students against the hauntingly familiar school yard as the backdrop, I was transported to those good old days. Myriad of emotions gush through me - respect and gratitude for the teachers who have created lasting, indelible memories. These are people I have some of the fondest memories of.
Oh! to go back to those days of arguing with teachers for an extra 1/2 a mark. I remember, our monthly tests had 1/4th total marks (of final exam) for each subject. So math, science, social studies, english and kannada were f0r 25 marks and Sanskrit was for 31.5 (because in the final exam, it was for 125, well not 1/4th exactly). Half the class used to have 30.5 in sanskrit. If by chance you fall in the other half, even if you land a 30, you try your best to find loopholes in the correction (the great AV at his funniest saying "ardha markle en agthada, thogo hogli") and get that 1/2 mark by hook or crook. I remember how I used to suck at drawing India map. This one time our social studies question paper had only 4 questions, each of them needed the map to be drawn. I ended up with 4/25 on that paper and my crying knew no end for days to come. The fact that 11 was the highest was no consolation what so ever. The best part was of course the school timing - 12 pm to 5:30 pm. No need to wake up early in the morning! Saturday though was 7:30 to 11:30 and I ended up bunking most of them ;). I have rattled on and I can go on for pages but I think I will stop here.

Naman's corner: To say that he is a brat is an understatement. The sweet, innocent baby is fast turning out to be a master manipulator. Not yet 6 months, he just has to have his way in everything. He is still trying hard to crawl but I think it will take some time before he gets there. His interest to sit on his own has diminished, he now wants to stand up and pulls himself up all the time. He also tries to move on his butt when we try to make him sit. In short, you spend an hour or 2 handling him and you get a nice work out :) Oh and his dad got him a new friend - "my pal scout". It is basically a toy puppy which can be programmed to talk. It is cute but it cannot pronounce the name Naman. So we chose his nickame as "champ". Scout sings some rhymes, chants "I love you champ" and stuff like that. Naman doesn't get these still, all he wants is the pup's nose and to lick it all over.

What's in a name

2010-03-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This post is neither a rant nor am I voicing my regret here. Few of my thoughts.
My son's name is Naman Mahesh Siddheshwar. Anything missing here? Nothing, I suppose. To anybody who knows my husband's name, this name - Naman, son of Mahesh Siddheshwar sounds perfectly normal. To me however, the question is more of a why not than a why? Why do we not have mother's name as a part of the child's name. "Father is the head of the family" is a fact of the past, at least in most of the modern families. In today's world of mom-dad equality, why is it that we continue to uphold this practice? I had always imagined that my kid(s) would break away from this naming ritual. Alas, when opportunity presented itself, I succumbed. No pressure, no opposition, just plain chickened out. Fear of what the elders and people in general might say. And so here I am, mom of my husband's son.

Baby's day out

2010-02-28T18:59:00.000-08:00

We have been to restaurant, temple and a party with Naman but never really been "out" before today. It has always been house - car - destination (usually indoor) journey for him. But thanks be to the weather Gods, we ventured out for a walk today. Now, who can resist taking a brisk walk on a warm, sunny day with brilliant clear, blue skies. As it happened, even dear Amma who is usually averse to being outdoors tagged along. All in all, it was a pleasant afternoon. Ended up going to Starbucks, downed couple of frappuccinos and pumpkin bread. Refreshing indeed!

Going by the way Naman has taken to the car seat and his behavior today, we think he is going to be an outdoorsy kind. We certainly hope so. Can't wait for summer already :)

Mom alert

2010-02-26T21:16:00.000-08:00

The other day I had an awakening of sorts. Started with me thinking about something that was bothering me. Then shrugged it off my mind with a note that I will ask mom about it later. There it was!! How many times have I or we, if I may speak for many of us, not done this? Ask mom about it later, oh mom will know what to do about it.... How good it feels to put your mind at rest that way. Well, I have someone now who will look up to me for help, guidance, advice and what not. Am I ready for such a HUGE responsibility? Ofcourse there is no looking back. I only wish and sincerely hope that I be a strong and sensible mom and may only the best of senses guide me in guiding my little one.

Photographic eyes

2007-07-17T23:19:00.000-07:00

We were cruising through the traffic of central expressway, on our way back home, after a bout of shopping. It was around 8 in the evening. The setting sun had painted the sky with golden gray. It was the phase just before when it turns completely golden. The grand finale with the mauve splash over the gold rimmed horizon was yet to be staged. I was (as usual) overwhelmed with this beauty and expressed the same to my hubby. The least I expected from him was a nod of assent. But instead, he took his own sweet time looking at it and then dismissed it with a "uhhh,.hmm,.its okay" with an accompanying frown on his face. Exasperated beyond words (this is not the first of its kind incident), I stared at him, demanding him for an explanation. And there it was : "It wont photograph well, the lighting is not good enough". Well I give up. As one might have guessed, my husband is a photography enthusiast like no other. Everything he sees translates to a view through the camera lens, so much so that his analysis and appreciation depends on that. God save us! If only he had a memory to go with it ;)

of time

2007-07-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

We have read, been told and taught that time is the best healer. now, is it really? In a way, yes. But not in the conventional sense. It does not really root out the pain/ memories of the past. It makes you get used to them, focus on the present and look towards future. In essence, it is not really the time which heals you, but in fact, it "lets" you heal. All the work is upto you. How fast you recover is an index of your abilities and determination. Also, the wind may throw in some favorable events in your direction. All these just take time, that is all.

ramble ramble..

2006-11-11T12:45:00.000-08:00

When a relationship (I mean, any kind) ends, something inside you dies with it too. You may not realize this right away, but as time passes, you notice that you have grown indifferent towards certain feelings and emotions. It works pretty much in the "immunization" fashion. The initial pain is mind-numbing. But this may turn out to be a good thing in the long run for you. You are stripped of your layers of sensitivity and you get tougher. In this sense, it is a necessary evil, if you will. Lucky are the people who strike gold the first time. What say?!

honesty-best policy, really??

2006-10-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

To what extent does one need to be honest in a relationship or with anybody in general? Agreed, honesty is essential and is among the sustaining elements of trust-worthy relation, but what is the limit to which one needs to be honest? Can one draw the line in this regard? If a certain truth/fact would hurt the other person and if it is not important in the long run, can one decide not to let it out. Could this be termed "cheating" or being dishonest?

Togetherness

2006-10-04T22:12:00.000-07:00

As I was talking to my husband tonight, i was engulfed by a feeling of self-sympathy and sadness. I was missing him beyond words. After the chat, my mind drifted down the memory lane, through the past year we have known each other. More than once have I wished this duration to be longer. Indeed, 1 year is such a short time in our lives, out of which a few months we have blissfully spent together. Now, on the 2 extreme ends of the coast, all we get of each other is a couple of hours at the most of chatting over phone. Even that is cut short considerably, come my exams, submissions or his deadlines and conferences. Well, as I realise sadly, life is only going to get busier. In this light, our moments of togetherness are priceless. I only pray that they never stop growing and hope these times of separation are worth it in the end

First Impression

2006-10-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

Heard of, but have never experienced the hackneyed "love at first sight". On the other hand, I have, not very infrequently, felt "hate at first sight". An example which comes to my mind in this regard is the movie personality Will Ferrell. I have no idea why, but I really do loathe his persona.
Even in real life, there have been instances where my dislike for a person right from the first was so strong that I would have gone through many a trouble to avoid him/her. In fact,this whole business of first impressions, to my mind, defies all logic. I mean, what can a first glance at a person do that could possibly make you like or dislike him/her, without ever having come into contact before? Beats me!! some chemical locha in the brain maybe ;)

Unselfish??

2006-10-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

This thought struck me out of the blue. Is there anything like a truly unelfish act in this world? I happen to remember an episode of my favorite "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" in this regard. It is the episode where Joey and Phoebe wager on the same lines, Phoebe trying to prove that there is indeed something like a truly unselfish act and Joey discrediting all her attempts. I don't quite remember how this ends, but in my opinion, Phoebe was wrong.

To begin with, how does one define an unselfish act? Well, I would say, something which is not beneficial or good to oneself in any remotest sense. Am I right? And, as a human, you cannot remain indifferent when you perform an altrustic act. At the very least, you have a glowing sense of satisfaction and happiness. If it is a loved one you have helped, then there is the accompanying gratification of having been there. The bottom line of these arguments is that you end up feeling good about yourself through these "seemingly unselfish" acts.

Apathy, thou name is life

2006-09-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

When did life get so devoid of emotions? Everything is a matter of fact affair. Everybody is so self occupied and prepossessed with the mundane goings on that the feelings and events in somebody else's life, however close or important the other person, does not deserve more than a moment's attention.
You are practically alone in this world, especially when it comes to your feelings and emotions. Long gone are the days when we spent hours of yapping about sweet nothings and discussing our deepest sentiments with our near and dear ones. This is the age of articulation. Be out with it or be off with it. That is what it has come to now.
When and how and did things come to this stage? Maybe it is excess of emotions which culminated in a state of apathy. If it is the load at work place for one, it may be geographical distance for somebody else. Reasons, there is no dearth. But the fact is, the age of "best friend" has come to an end. For all practical purposes, you are your best friend your soul mate and your sole confidant. If you still cannot accept this and believe otherwise, I am afraid, you are up for a heart-break and cruel awakening. All the best to you in that time.

Word Power

2006-09-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

Ever been in the blue and some kind words from a friend or even a perfect stranger brightened your day? A sweet word or two from your loved ones has even more power. Ofcourse, the opposite too, perfectly holds good.

Recently, my husband had been on a hike to the half dome in Yosemite National Park. A 17 mile hike along the mist trail, 6 hours each way, peaking to a staggering 8836 ft was definitely not going to be rosy walk. The last stretch of the trail to the top is along the steep dome and is enabled using chains. Arduous on the way up, one cannot help but feel terrified of the downward slide along the chain. When he called me up that day, after the day long hike, exhausted but thrilled, he confessed that he was terribly scared and apprehensive during the first stretch of the way down. Then he said something very sweet - "he thought that he has to make his way down for my sake. Knowing that I will be waiting for him, anxious, to share his experience, was a force enough to overcome his fear". These words made my day and many more to come.

Into the light

2006-08-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

I grope in the dark,
Helpless and lost
Behind the shadows I lurk
For what is to come now.

All hope seems lost now
Is this the twilight ere dusk or dawn
It matters not, for I know
At the end, is the light of a new day

Rise and shine, sings my heart
To welcome the soft light of the dawn
The hour of the darkness drawing to an end,
Brace to greet the glow of the morn

To wait and endure
With a faint hope in my heart
Is but the lone cure
To lead my mind into the light.

2006-08-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

Much ado abt ..wht??

As I was skimming through the news this morning, I noticed that the science section was all about argument on demotion of Pluto. The astronomical circle, it seems, is all abuzz with this very "vital" issue these days. They are going all out to come up with a draft of uniform definitions and terms for galactic objects and phenomena across the world. Also included in this draft conference would be the judgement of fate of 3 other celestial bodies. If all goes well, Pluto would be retained as a planet and so would be these 3 other bodies. And so, the solar system as we have been taught to believe, would expand from 9 to 12 planets. Kudos to these brave astronomists! What a universe-saving war they are waging out!

Frankly, I fail to see the relevance or importance of these kinds of studies or discoveries in our human, earthly lives. What matters if Pluto is a planet or not, whether our solar system has 9 or 12 or 20 planets? Oh yeah, I forgot, the astrological formulae depend on these numbers and facts, dont they?! Call me narrow-minded, but my blood boils everytime I come across such news, to think of how much funding goes behind all these studies. When there is so much going on in this planet of ours, this seems a waste to my mind. Or maybe, their way of looking at this is, atleast there is no bloodshed involved, it is a peaceful, intellectual battle.

2006-08-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

The Everest Experience

On a lazy, hot Saturday morning, for the lack of any better way of spending our time, my husband and I decided to catch the movie/documentary, Everest on IMAX. Not sure whether it was because this was my first IMAX experience or not, this one was surely out of the world for me and most definitely humbling.

The film begins by taking a peek at each of the four team member's lifestyle, passion and drive for acheiving the unfathomable. One among them is the son of the legendary sherpa, Tenzing Norgay. Another was about to become a legend herself by being the first Spanish woman to make it to Everest summit.

The nearly 3D feel of the IMAX theatre adds to the special effects and makes it an almost real life experience. It is as if one is a part of this team, echoing every bit of their emotional and physical hardships on their trail to the summit.

What follows is a hair-raising sequence of events as this ambitious team of mountaineers finally set out on the hazardous journey to the summit. The journey takes us across creaking icefalls and steep, snow-clad regions ever threatening to give way to a life crushing avalanche, as the team moves from the base camp to the middle camp. After a 2 day trek from the middle camp, on the way to the high camp (about three fourths the distance to the summit), an unforseen snow storm breaks out at the summit, sending all the expeditioners rolling down and taking the lives of many. Those nearer the camp make it back, others left in the cold to their death. Benumbed by this ghastly incident and their spirits irreparably crushed , the team gets back to the base camp.

Here, they wait for days and weeks for the storm to die down. Seeing other teams of expeditioners pack their bags only makes them more determined. Summoning all their courage, they once again embark on the journey. When they do make it to the summit this time, their sense of achievement and power simply conquers you. And I had to remind myself once more that this was no fiction. It was a true story of ordinary people with extra-ordinary will power and courage, who made their dreams come true against all odds. This was a salute to these heroes.

2006-08-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

This day...that age

Times change and everything else with it. At the risk of sounding cliched, change is indeed the only constant thing, or so it finally dawned on me. Not long ago, I had this perfectly normal life. A decent job with a decent pay, cosily ensconced amid my family of loving parents and adorable brother, hang out with a cool group of friends in the rocking city of Bangalore. Looking back now, I feel there was nothing more I could have possibly wanted. But yet, how many evenings can I not recall getting back from work, frustrated, unsatisfied with the day's banality, yearning for something different. Well, but that was then...

Now, having been granted a fair share of all my heretofore shortcomings and more, I realise how much of that life I miss plus the need for more changes. I miss the everyday humdrum, the security that came with it, the warmth of the people around, I even miss the traffic!

And now, when I has turned to a We, the needs and aspirations are at a totally different level. Still being labeled as newly weds, we are invited over for lunches, dinner etc., by my husband's colleagues and friends. What I used to avoid then as boring outings, have turned out to be friendly and fun occasions now. And many a time, we end up having a gift/present in our hands at the end of it. A year ago, if somebody had handed to me a gift coupon of 100 dollars, my mind would have raced madly to list what clothes, books and fancy items i could buy with that. Not anymore. Now, I am more than happy to make use of it in our continual efforts to transform the bachelor-pad into a home.

I really wonder if this is pretty much the pattern of my life : not appreciating the present and missing the past...Not being satisfied with what I have, letting the happy moments slip by in the hope for better ones..I hope this changes too.

2006-08-07T11:58:00.001-07:00

Gone with the wind

This has been on the top of my all time favorite books ever since I first read it in my undergrad days. Captivated by the inimitable narration, I held on to every dialog, visualized every scene of the book. Rhett Butler and Scarlet O'Hara are undoubtedly one of the most memorable characters I have come across.

Personally, I am one of those who believe that a silver screen adaptation of a book, more often than not ,fails to do it complete justice. If sometimes, it is a part of the plot which is twisted, some other times it is the failure to bring about the essence of the book itself. For the same reason, I have avoided watching the movie versions of my favorite classics. Ofcourse there have been exceptions. Love Story was the only such example to me till I happened across a dvd of the Gone......

This movie is more than a fair adaptation of the book. The passionate performances of the cast brings the book and the characters to life. The period setting is immaculate and awe inspiring. The depiction of the civil war is as one expects. I specifically was enthralled by the performances of the lead actors and enjoyed every one of their tete-a-tete 's.

In short, after watching this movie, I have decided to reconsider my erstwhile apprehension and I am going all out to test whether this experience holds good for the other classics as well.